I’m baaaaack (in the saddle again)! Part One

When you read the title of this post, you’re supposed to say / sing / scream it like the way Steven Tyler does in the Aerosmith song Back in the Saddle, dragging out “back” to baaaaack! You are not supposed to quietly, calmly, say that line the way Gene Autry does in his version of Back in the Saddle Again.

Why hear it in your head like the Aerosmith song? Because I’m being just as loud and feeling just as much enthusiasm as that rock group when I’m telling people that I am back in the saddle again — in writing this blog, getting to writing the chapters of my second book, marketing once again, and exercising.

Why did I fall off the saddle?

• Emotional exhaustion
• Busy family and work schedule
• 2017: The year of disappointment
• Anxiety and depression

Let’s start with my “absorption” problem. I, unfortunately, have a tendency to absorb all the heartbreak and stress and anger that my family and friends encounter when they run into emotional issues. It’s an empathy instead of just sympathy type of deal. Even though it’s something that happened to them and not to me, I feel so in tune with what they’re feeling, that those emotions then weigh me down … way, way, down, and I become emotionally exhausted, which then turns into a physical exhaustion, leaving little energy for much else.

Of course, that extreme tiredness doesn’t come from just feeling what others feel – there’s plenty of distressing situations that occurred in my own life, to me personally, over the past couple of years to bring on that urge to say, “I just need to lay down and take a nap—a long nap.”

Looking through my Google calendar, emails, and pictures over the last couple of years revealed to me not only all those aforementioned emotional events that occurred in that time frame, but also what an extremely busy family and work schedule I followed. My friends would always tell me, “I don’t know how you do it,” and I would just kind of shrug it off—but holy guacamole! Looking over those schedules, then writing just the “highlights” down on paper (or many sheets of paper, I should say), really showed me I did have a crazy, ridiculous, I-can-function-on-only-three-hours-of-sleep-a-night kind of schedule!

So now we get to explaining “2017: The year of disappointment.” I’ve tried, really, really, really tried, for a while now to control my tongue and not say bad things about people, or think bad things about people. However, I just have to say that during 2017, there were family members and close friends who disappointed me. Some of those disappointments were huge, and others, just made me sigh, shake my head, feel sad, and wonder why they did—or didn’t do—certain things. This disappointment contributed to “falling off the saddle,” and not feeling at times any desire to write, do marketing, or exercise.

This year was also disappointing in regards to my debut novel Love, Texas—Population 2 not becoming a New York Times Bestseller. Ha! No, I didn’t expect that at all, but I was very disappointed that what I thought were “reasonable” goals and expectations were not achieved regarding my book that I self-published in May 2017.

I was disappointed at poor turn-outs at the book release party and book readings / signings (especially when lots of people tell you they’ll be there, then like over half of them don’t show up). I was disappointed that certain “connections” in the journalism field (I used to be a reporter for a small-town, daily newspaper) wound up not connecting with me on their own, and also disappointed in myself that I didn’t more aggressively pursue some of those individuals in that field—to try to reconnect “better.” I was disappointed that the number of sales for my book did not hit a higher mark than they did, especially when I later priced my ebook version at a “low, low price.” I was disappointed at the lack of reviews I received on Goodreads or Amazon, even just giving a rating by a number of stars, or by just a simple one or two sentence statement, particularly when people read it and told me they liked it. Without stars or positive statements posted online, I’m probably about the only person who knows the novel was read and liked.

Depressing blog post so far, isn’t it? Well, depression and anxiety snuck in the back door, and really seemed to grab hold of me at the start of last year. This was a total shock to me, as prior to this, I’d be the type of person laughing quite often, or smiling and making witty remarks, or wondering when people seemed sad or in a rut, why couldn’t they just snap out of it?

There were multiple times in 2018 where I would wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, my heart pounding in my chest, and feel just anxious—but I couldn’t pinpoint what exactly I felt anxious about. Did something bad happen that day? No. Was some big event going to happen the next day or scheduled to occur within that week? No. It was such a terrible feeling, made worse by the fact that I’d always been so not anxious in the past. Depression came in the form of feeling sad a lot of times, again not necessarily when anything bad had just happened. That depression also took the shape of just not wanting to do anything, especially things I always really enjoyed before, like writing, reading, and being social.

Why did I decide to get back IN the saddle again?

• Writing, oh how I miss thee!
• I wasn’t made to be a recluse
• BSF and Daily Devotionals
• Anxiety and depression be gone!
• ACFW as a whole and part of Interviewer Team

Have you ever heard of authors who say they “must” write, that not writing is like not breathing? Okay, so it’s not that extreme for me, but honestly, truly, no over dramatization involved—I sure have missed writing for several hours a day.  And suddenly, like within the last two or three months, my fingers can hardly wait to get going crazy on my keyboard to start writing the chapters for “Novel 2.”

My husband, Gary, is an introvert. Being around a bunch of people he doesn’t know wants to make him go in a corner and chew some paper. This means he’s perfectly fine with not going out much or only talking or hanging out with one or two of his close friends—occasionally. He also has to travel a lot, and drive here to there and everywhere from morning to night during the work week for his job as a civil engineer. This means his “perfect weekend” would probably involve talking to as few as people as possible, and not having to drive anywhere farther than to the grocery store three miles from the house, and only then for a late-night snack of his favorite Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla ice cream.

Gary and I are polar opposites in this regard. I am an extrovert, maybe even I could be called an “extra extrovert.” This means I enjoy being around friends and new acquaintances alike, and doing so energizes me, instead of wearing me out like Gary. I do not have to drive to Timbuktu each day for work, because I work from home as a medical coder, and have done so for the last 10 years. This means I usually can’t wait to get out of the house, and I don’t care if I have to drive far to get there, because I want to be out and doing something on the weekends since all week long I haven’t gone anywhere other than driving my daughter, Shelby, to school and dance and back, and going to the grocery store and Bible study (which both happen during the trips / hours when I take Shelby to dance).

All the things going on in my life right before and the time after I’ve published my novel, like I said, have caused me to not want to get out as much or do a lot of things I used to do a lot. This has made me somewhat, just a little bit, of a recluse. But lately, this recluse has a strong urge to be let loose! So, this is another area of life where I want to get back in the saddle again—to go back to being an extra extrovert.

Part of being a “good Christian” involves loving others, even those people who test your nerves, and forgiving others, even those who have really hurt you. I have known this since I was a child, having been raised in a devout, practicing-Catholic household. However, it wasn’t until after attending several Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) classes, and reading daily devotionals from different plans on my YouVersion Bible app, that I developed a strong desire to try to constantly incorporate that love and forgiveness in my own life. I also felt compelled to show that love and forgiveness, and many other teachings of the Bible, to others, not only via an example of how I live my life, but also via my writing, particularly in my Christian novels.  If I’m not writing books, well I can’t show that in my novels, now can I?

Another plus that came from studying Scripture through BSF and devotionals was it helped me worry less, see situations from a different viewpoint, find more light in even the darkest places, and bring a smile to my face more often—in other words, it really helped curbed my anxiety and depression bouts.

What probably influenced me the most in wanting to get back in the writing (books and blog posts) saddle again? Joining American Christian Fiction Writers (ACFW) and becoming part of the Interviewer Team for the weekly Featured Author Interview posts on the ACFW website. There have been so many encouraging, educational, inspirational, and interesting words and lessons shared through the ACFW’s member email loops, Facebook groups, and the website itself. Interviewing different Christian authors about their new book releases has been fun and invigorating for me, making me remember the good ol’ reporter days, writing up feature stories, which was my favorite part back then of that job. Both being a member in general and doing the research for the interviews has exposed me to tons of different aspects of the Christian faith, and tons of different genres of Christian fiction I don’t normally read. My involvement with ACFW has also highlighted the fact that I’m not alone—like not at all—in how I have felt or dealt with all the issues over the last couple of years that made me get out of that writing saddle.

Whew! This post is a doozy, eh? I promise all my posts going forward will be nowhere near as long (or depressing or whiny) as this post! Drop by next month for Part Two of I’m Baaaaaack in the Saddle Again, where I tell you (and show you with oh so many pictures) all what I’m doing and have done to get back in that writing saddle.